With 12 Comes . . .

At this time of year, I always seem to be drawn more closely to Mary, not just the idyllic, statuesque image we see in churches and stained glass, but more the flesh and blood new mother. I imagine her looking into the face of her new baby for the first time. I think about her feeling of delight and awe at his first smile, her moments of anxiety over his first steps. I consider what she must have felt when it came time to send Jesus out into the world. Did she secretly wish she could have kept him safely in her arms? 

Mary was certainly set apart by God. But she was also a mother, like any mother, who loved her child. I believe she felt Jesus' joy twofold and experienced his pain a thousand times over. I also believe there must have been times when she questioned her abilities and her worthiness. She must have desired to be the best and do the best for the family she loved. 

Perhaps you've heard the song titled "Breath of Heaven," or "Mary's Song." The words tell of an imagined prayer from Mary to God. In it we hear how Mary might have expressed her human fears and doubts about the task she had accepted. 

Do you wonder, when you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place. But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan. Help me be strong. Help me be. Help me.

I am brought to tears each time I listen. As a mother, it speaks to all the doubts and fears I have about whether I am worthy enough for the life I've been given. I hear echoes of my own prayers, God, do you know who I really am? Am I the best person for them? Do I have what they need? But whether you're a parent or not, hasn't there been a time when you've raised your eyes to God and wondered why he put you in a particular place for a particular purpose. Am I worthy? Am I strong? What can I possibly offer?

I don't know if Mary had these kinds of questions or doubts, but thinking she might have gives me hope. It reminds me that faith is not an assurance that I will have all the answers, or even any answer at all. Faith is having the courage to step out into the unknown and believe that God sees the road, even when I do not. Mary took that step. In fact, Mary took that leap, down the path and over the edge of a cliff. The conception of Jesus at the Annunciation was certainly miraculous, but another miracle took place that day. Mary said, Yes!

Another line from "Mary's Song" is

I am waiting, in a silent prayer. I am frightened, by the load I bear. In a world as cold as stone, must I walk this path alone? Be with me now. Be with me now.

I take comfort in the thought that even though the world may seem cold, I truly never walk alone. God is always at my side, holding me together and giving light to my darkness. Through Mary's yes, God's plan was fulfilled. I know he is calling me, too. Am I ready to say, yes? Will I have the faith to walk even when the path seems quite cold and lonely? I hope so.
As I do, I pray . . .

Help me be strong,
Help me be,
Help me.